Whether you celebrate, observe or acknowledge events over the month of December or not, if you live with a chronic illness, this time of year can present additional layer of stress. You might be starting to worry about how you will navigate the increased sense of pressure to be present and connected with others. This can feel overwhelming if your health is not where you would like it to be. So, to support you through, I’ve put together a simple ABC of some hints and tips that may help, wherever you are at in your chronic illness journey. You don’t have to feel invisible and overlooked during this time. With a bit of advance preparation and continued self-care, you can engage with and even enjoy this period.
A is for Acceptance
Acceptance of daily life with a chronic illness in tow can be tough. At this particular time, you may well be reflecting upon the past year and hoping that the next one brings more hope, health and energy. It’s hard to focus on acceptance during the holiday season, especially when there is a deep desire for things to be different than they are now.
Throughout the year, you will have already been navigating the never-ending fluctuation of pain and symptoms. You may also be experiencing a complex range of emotions and that ongoing feeling of 'why me!! The additional societal expectations to be full of cheer at this time of year, is probably something that feels very far away. Therefore, it’s important to approach and cultivate acceptance through a non-judgemental lens. It is not about being weak, ignoring your illness, berating yourself or giving up hope, it is about creating opportunities at this point in the year to relax the strain of the why this is happening and tuning more into what is happening right now for you.
Everyone will be a different point in relation to the level of acceptance of their illness. Easing expectations and continuing to pace yourself, can support you to make choices and feel more in control of your health over this period. There may well be feelings of sadness, frustration, loss, anger or grief that things aren't like they were. Accepting that these feelings are completely normal can help you to ease the pressure on yourself. You may be facing a range of different scenarios and have reduced or limited physical, mental or emotional capacity, so chances are you may well need to do things differently at present. This is ok. Allowing just a little bit of acceptance in, as hard as it is, can allow you to create extra space and capacity to take time to rest, sleep, grieve, cry- whatever you need! Resisting your illness and forcing yourself to make things ok, sometimes for the sake of others, can create extra strain on both body and mind. Wherever you can, share your concerns with those that you trust.
A is also for....Adjustment
Everyone will feel the pressure of the holiday season in different ways. Whether you have limited mobility or capacity or whether you are more able to be active and engaged, focus on your individual circumstance and work from there. It is very important to continue to prioritise your health as much as possible over this period.
If you are not sure what an adjustment looks like for you, start by making a list of things or situations that you are feeling worried about and jot them down. You can score or rank them in order of importance to their impact on you. Ask someone to support you with this activity if you can.
It could be things like:
Talking about my illness with others 10/10
Expectations to engage and enjoy time with friends/family members 8/10
Managing travel plans and accommodation 7/10
Changes to sleep schedule and disruption to daily routine 6/10
Attending to self-care/ childcare/pet care 5/10
Expectation to attend social events/ drink alcohol/eat different foods 4/10
Once you have done this, start to look at the things that worry you less first and think about anything that you can do, that can ease any concerns. Such as:
Can I set a timer to remind me to rest/sleep/eat so that I have a bit of a routine?
Can I schedule in some time for a short walk/rest/sleep?
Can I stay somewhere else that feels more restful/visit family for less time?
Is there anyone that can help support with personal care/ caring responsibilities, even for an hour or so?
Are there any activities that I can have less involvement with/offer to help with simpler tasks ?
Can I travel at a less stressful time/or not travel at all?
Can I arrange a short call with a friend or ask someone to pop in?
You can then move on to deal about the more challenging things afterwards. This can be tricky if you are spending time with people who don't understand chronic illness, so you might need to consider whether you need to be a bit firmer with these (more about boundaries below!).
For these you can think:
Is there just one small adjustment that I could make that would help this to feel a little easier?
If they are feeling too overwhelming to address, pause on them for now and come back to them later. Sometimes writing down, sharing your concerns and communicating your worries in advance, can help you explore alternative choices or possibilities. This can help to resource you and build capacity, rather than drain you, meaning that you can be more present for yourself and others.
B is for...Boundaries
Building awareness of your capacity is extra important during the holiday period. Setting boundaries doesn’t only apply to external situations with friends and family but also within yourself. The sense of obligation and guilt can feel even more heightened around this time of year. Whilst we can't predict every possible eventuality, planning and setting boundaries in advance can go a long way to support you in navigating a range of situations.
A good place to start is to Prepare and set a baseline around how things have been going for you health wise. You can use a timescale of your choice but as symptoms fluctuate, reflecting back on the past 1-3 months may be a good place to start. You can think:
Have I had more good days than not so good?
Were there particular things/people that impacted/supported on the challenging days?
Were there particular things that I did to help me to manage these challenges?
Thinking forward:
How do I want to feel over the coming weeks?
How can I create time to connect to myself?
Are there particular people or situations that I may need to adjust engagement with?
If I look back over this time, what would I like to be able to say I managed well?
Once you have done some preparation, to support you to maintain your boundaries you can use this tool:
'If this happens....I will'
e.g
'If a family member suggests a walk...I will check in with my energy levels first'
'If someone wants to talk to me about my illness....I will share the basics/say I don't wish to speak about it right now'
'If I am feeling overwhelmed...I will take 30 minutes out to rest'
'If I am offered alcohol...I will say no thankyou'
In some circumstances, you may need to state your boundaries more clearly to have the best chance of managing your health. For some people family gatherings are too triggering or difficult, so weigh up whether spending time around certain people or situations will feel more detrimental to you and your health in the long run. Saying no, can feel like an impossible task, especially if you have fears around judgement, rejection or criticism from others. Even if it’s possible to set not a harder boundary, an adjustment may feel more manageable.
Remember, whilst boundaries are important this is NOT about getting things perfect or right and setting yourself up for failure. This is about boosting your confidence and exploring possibilities to help you to manage potential situations throughout an unpredictable time. Sometimes you just need to respond or make a decision in the moment. This is ok too, there is no right or wrong.
Read my October blog https://www.therapyandcoachingwithjayne.com/post/6common-phrases-and-questions-to-navigate-when-you-live-with-a-chronic-illness for some handy conversation starters or responses, these may helpful for those more challenging conversations!
C is for Compassion
‘Oh why can’t I just join in and be normal like everyone else, I just bring everyone down and I’m not worth being around!
If the above sounds familiar to you, then you are definitely not alone! If you live with chronic illness, chances are you may well have developed a strong inner critic because you may not be able to engage with the world and the people around you like you used to. This is a huge loss. Learning how to be more compassionate towards yourself during the holiday season can be the biggest gift you can give to yourself and to others. It may feel like an alien concept right now, but the good news is, like training a muscle, it can become stronger with a little commitment and practice.
In a nutshell- Compassion means ‘to suffer together’ As humans we all experience this in a range of different ways, even people with seemingly good conditions or circumstances are not immune from suffering. Having self-compassion connects us to ourself and others. It enables us to turn toward and be more present with what is difficult, rather than turning away from it and trying to eradicate it from our life. Caring about and prioritising our health is not self centred or selfish. It can be hard to think about how we can apply compassion to ourselves, so we can think:
How would I treat a close friend who was going through something really hard?
What might they need?
Would you berate them, shame them and make them feel bad for going through a tough time? No, probably not! So, self-compassion then, is about being mindful and aware of our struggle and responding to it with kindness. Learning to talk to ourselves in a way that is more nurturing, will support us to accept ourselves exactly as we are, imperfections and all. With a bit of practice, we can begin to create an inner strength that we can use during challenging times.
A critical voice is not helpful as it can lead us to feel that we have failed. If you can cultivate more self- compassion, you can learn to navigate chronic illness from a place of care and not criticism. You have not failed nor are inadequate as a person because you live with a chronic condition. For whatever reason, this often cruel and debilitating illness is with you in your life at the moment but it does not represent the whole of who you are, even if it feels this way. See if you can remind yourself of this in those tougher moments throughout the holiday season. This may support you to reduce the need to berate yourself and develop a sense that you are enough, just as you are, at all times of the year.
Wishing you a restful break that is full of compassion and care x
I hope you have found this blog post useful, please share or write your thoughts or comments below.
If you are living with chronic illness and would like some support to navigate the challenges, I offer 1:1 coaching and therapy both online and face to face. Book a FREE no obligation introductory call here: https://calendly.com/growinyourowndirection or you can email me on growinyourowndirection@gmail.com
Please note: I am a talking therapist with lived experience of chronic illness. I offer insights and reflections via this blog from my own experiences and through reflections on my work with others who live with a varied range chronic conditions. I cannot offer advice or a cure for your condition but what I can offer, is a safe, confidential space for you to feel seen, heard and validated. I will work with you to explore what is right for you and support you to make sense of own unique experience.
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