'how did that make you feel?'- why processing deeper emotions in therapy matters
- jayelisa2
- Aug 3
- 7 min read
So you've made the important decision to take the first step to find a therapist. You've scrolled through (the seemingly millions) of profiles, chatted to a few potential therapists and feel you've finally found someone who you think you could work with.
You've arranged the first session, signed the contract and you're ready to go. You may be feeling anxious about what to expect but also hopeful that your therapist is a good fit and has the skill, experience to help you work towards your therapy goals and support you to move forward in your life.
You arrive at your first session, full of anticipation and whilst it's a bit overwhelming, your therapist seems nice, helps you feel comfortable and is genuinely interested in how you can best work together. You start unpacking, exploring your experiences a bit more and you think, "ok we're off to to a good start"
As you settle in to your sessions, over the coming weeks and months you start to notice that your therapist asks you more questions like 'how did you feel in that moment? or 'How did this sit with you?' 'what's coming up for you as we talk about this?' 'How does this feel in your body?' or 'What does this mean for you?'
You sit there and think. I. just. don't. know. I just want to feel 'better'
Suddenly things feel hard and you think to yourself "maybe I'm doing this wrong" or "maybe I'm not ready/ cut out for therapy" or even "why are we doing this?!" Firstly, this is normal: most of us know a small handful of emotion words there is no 'right or wrong to 'be' in therapy and secondly, asking why is a valid question.
Working with deeper feelings isn’t about becoming someone else. It’s about coming home to yourself. Being able to identify and process emotions can feel scary, confusing and overwhelming. When we have gone through life pushing them down, they don’t disappear: they often show up in our bodies, our relationships, our confidence, and the choices we make. So many of us have learned to keep it all together, stay busy, distract ourselves or try to 'think' our way out of pain.
Emotions don't 'just happen'
Imagine you are painting a picture with only 4 colours: this limits how you are able to translate what you are seeing or imagining. With a fuller palette, you will be able to better express your experience with more colour and nuance and with this deeper expression helps to build self knowledge and understanding and supports you to respond and regulate.
Emotions are co- created in the brain and body and generally start as an automatic physiological/physical sensations as a reaction to what is happening in the environment around you. The brain makes it's best guess at what the emotion might be through identifying words that it already knows through past experiences and translating this information into context that you are in.
Being able to deepen our emotional awareness and language is important as it helps us to better understand ourselves and describe the nuances of our experiences more fully.
You might find deeper work helpful if:
You feel anxious, numb, or 'on edge' much of the time
You overthink and still don’t feel 'settled'
You keep repeating the same relationship patterns
You struggle with boundaries or people-pleasing
You feel disconnected from yourself - you’re functioning on the outside but struggling inside.
Why understanding the past might be helpful
Therapy isn’t only about understanding what happened to you. It’s also about understanding what happens inside you now and learning how to respond differently.
Our emotional responses are often linked to earlier experiences, attachment patterns, or long-standing beliefs about what’s safe, what’s allowed, and what we have to do to be accepted. Sometimes we bury emotions because we learnt that they were unsafe to express, attended to inconsistently or not at all. Our automatic survival system kicks in to protect us from threat, hurt and (we've all heard of fight, flight freeze and fawn responses) We become accustomed to these surface reactions but there are feelings underneath ones that are often harder to name because they become hidden.
For example:
Anger (fight) might be protecting hurt.
Numbness (freeze) might be protecting overwhelm.
People-pleasing (fawn) might be protecting fear of rejection.
Perfectionism (fawn/freeze) might be an avoidant response that’s protecting shame
Anxiety (flight) might be protecting from a fear of losing control.
Our bodies learn to brace ourselves for impact: whether that is dismissal, rejection, abandonment, criticism, shaming or judgment and we can become 'stuck' in survival mode. Remember, this is an automatic, biological response and adaptation that helps to protect you and keep you safe from danger: not something you consciously created!
"I’m scared I’ll fall apart”
This is common feeling. A good therapist, won't shame you, rush you or force you into 'catharsis' this is neither ethical or necessary. Instead, they will work to 'attune' to you, being mindful and curious about what you might be experiencing in the moment and in the therapeutic relationship, rather than telling you what your emotions are or what you 'should' be feeling.
Here are some of the things that might happen in therapy if you begin to work with your emotions more deeply:
1) You begin to understand your patterns at the root
Many patterns make perfect sense once you understand what they’re protecting you from.
If you shut down in conflict, it may be because conflict once felt unsafe. If you over-function for others, it may be because you learned love had to be earned. If you struggle to trust, it may be because trust was broken. Therapy helps you connect the dots, not to blame the past, but to understand the logic of your nervous system and your inner world. When you understand the root, change becomes kinder and more sustainable.
2) You find that wounds that have been created in unsafe relationships can be healed in safe relationships.
Having someone alongside you who you can trust is not judging you, will help you to feel more connected to your emotions without being afraid of them. Therapists know that working with our inner world can feel messy and that pace in the work is important. A good, solid therapeutic relationship is crucial in feeling safe enough to explore emotions a little deeper. This can help your nervous system to co- regulate with your therapists and slowly move out of the survival responses. This doesn't mean that you will feel comfortable all the time and that your therapist will always do things perfectly (remember they are human too!) but a therapist who is self-aware/attuned, well trained, trauma informed and working ethically will be able to recognise and notice what is happening within the working relationship, be aware of their own processes and gently bring into awareness things that they notice may happening in the room: with care, curiosity and compassion. With the right person and the right support, over time you will better able to better name your emotions and gradually feel more able sit with the discomfort together.
3) Your nervous system learns safety
This is one of the most powerful parts of therapy: not just insight, but a lived experience of safety in relationship. Deeper feelings often live in the body. You might notice tightness in your chest, a knot in your stomach, a racing heart, a frozen feeling, or a sense of dread. In therapy, we can work with these sensations gently. Over time, your nervous system learns that feelings can be tolerated, named, and moved through — without you being overwhelmed or alone.
4) You can learn to stop fighting yourself
When feelings are pushed away, a lot of energy goes into managing them: overthinking, avoiding, distracting, controlling, pleasing, achieving. It can look like “coping,” but it often feels exhausting. When you learn to notice and make space for what you feel, something shifts. You begin to recognise that your emotions are not the enemy — they’re information. They’re signals about needs, boundaries, grief, longing, fear, and hope. Instead of “What’s wrong with me?” the question becomes “What’s happening in me — and what do I need?”
5) You build emotional literacy and self-trust
Self-trust grows when you stop abandoning your inner experience. When you can identify what you feel, you can make better choices that align with who you are. Emotional literacy helps you to set boundaries without guilt, communicate your feelings more clearly and begin to recognise when something isn’t right for you, enabling you to make decisions from a place of value rather than fear.
6) You create space for grief...and for joy
Sometimes the deeper feelings include grief and loss: for the things that you didn’t get, what you lost, what you endured, or the version of life you hoped for. Grief work can feel frustrating and tender a bit like wading through treacle. But remember, you are not stuck: you are grieving and moving through this can also feel liberating over time. When grief is acknowledged, it doesn’t have to leak out sideways through irritability, anger, numbness, or despair. Most importantly, when you allow yourself to feel the painful feelings, you also expand your capacity for joy, connection, and aliveness. Feeling less isn’t the goal: feeling more safely is.
I hope that this blog post has been helpful!
I am a BACP accredited Integrative therapist with 13 years of experience working with people from all walks of life. I specialise in working with anxiety, stress, burnout, fatigue and chronic health conditions. I blend traditional talking therapy with mindfulness orientated, compassion focussed and body/somatic based practices.
My approach to therapy attends to building a good, quality working relationship and working within what’s manageable for you.
We collaborate
We attend to pace
We build resources
We strengthen your ability to stay present
We go slowly enough that your system can integrate what’s happening in the 'here and now'
If you would like to book a free 30 min introductory call with me you can do so on my calendly link:
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